Posted: Wed May 24, 2006 6:06 am Post subject: NeoOffice and OpenOffice.org, A Play
Neooffice and OpenOffice.org, a play
By, jake
Characters:
OpenOffice.org X11 – An Office suite
NeoOffice – Another Office suite
Sun – OpenOffice.org X11's father
Mozilla – A shady program into "open source"
Safari – An upper class browser
(In the beginning)
Sun: You are worthless!
OpenOffice.org X11: But daddy!
S: You will never amount to anything!
O: Why don't you love me?
S: Get out of my house!
(OpenOffice wanders alone. In a bar is approached by a stranger)
NeoOffice: Hi there (Wink)
O: Oh my! (Swoon)
N: I like that code hot stuff.
O: Your's isn't too bad either.
N: Want to check into my CVS?
O: I love it when you talk nerdy to me.
N: You and me, Baby, Together we can do it all.
O: Oh Neo, I love you!
(Neo and OpenOffice kiss, there is other stuff, but that is censored to keep this safe for work. They marry and become Mr and Mrs Suite. Some time passes, Neo continues to work, OpenOffice becomes a stay at home mom, they start a family. There are birds chirping, perfectly cut lawns and a white picket fence)
(Then, one day)
N: Honey, I am home!
O: Oh no!
Mozilla: Sacre blu!!
N: You!
O: No! It is not what you think!
N: You compiled with MOZILLA??
M: And she loved it!
N: YOU! OUT!
(Neo punches Mozilla in the head)
O: NO!
(Mozilla leaves, meets Safari. They have a secret love affair and a child named Camino)
M: Look and the beautiful baby we had my love
Safari: Shh! I am married to TheSteve, if he ever finds out...
M: Don't worry, no one will know, and our child will do great things
JakeOSX: Eh, I liked it better when it had three heads.
M: Who the hell are you?
J: oops! Sorry!
(back to the Suites)
N: I'm leaving you! You don't do anything! And Mozilla!
O: What about my needs? All you do is work! You never think about me!
N: I am trying to build us a future!
O: You and your Fonts! Your printing! I am changing! I am not the same OpenOffice you met! I need more than this!
N: You need what Mozilla has? Is that what you are saying! FINE! Go compile with whoever you want!
(Neo leaves. OpenOffice sits in despair for a while. The initial divorce settlement has them sharing the house.)
N: (whistling, happy) Ah, things are good.
(Stops, house is on fire. There is a note, "Hey jackass, I moved to Paris")
N: WHAT?
(Neo hops on a plane, flies to France)
N: You!
O: Helo Dah-ling (puffs cigarette)
N: What is going on? Why did you burn down the house? When did you get a French accent?
O: Zis is not your concern. You have your life, and I say &#$ off you American swine.
N: But what about the kids!?
O: Ze Kids, Ze Kids, all you care about is your work and ze kids. Well you do zat. I care only about me, and drinking latte's.
N: But...
O: No! I am happy now, neva again shall we zpeak.
(Neo goes home. OpenOffice travels Europe, and is well loved in France and Germany.)
N: (at home) well, at least i got the kids. I am lonely though, but i do have my work.
Stranger: Hey NeoOffice, what happened to your house?
N: The Ex went nuts. I have a new one though.
Stranger: I see... (Looks at the Hut, Tent and Lincoln Log building comprising Neo's new house) Well, uh, good luck with that. (steals a cookie, runs away)
(in Paris)
Stranger: Hey OpenOffice, how is your husband, Neo?
O: I HAVE NO HUZBAND YOU BAZTARD ZERE IS ONLY ME! (stabs stranger in the eye)
(elsewhere)
Kids: Mommy? Daddy? Why is it so dark in here? Who is the Microsoft guy who is offering us candy?
(/me wonders what's happened now, though. Well, not really; I imagine I don't want to know.)
/me tosses Chimera a bone, and notes that Safari is really the "love"-child of Chimera and Konqueror (and that Camino is just Chimera after escaping from some time in the carbon freezing unit)
Smokey _________________ "[...] whether the duck drinks hot chocolate or coffee is irrelevant." -- ovvldc and sardisson in the NeoWiki
Joined: Dec 08, 2005 Posts: 291 Location: Berlin, Germany
Posted: Wed May 24, 2006 2:07 pm Post subject:
So ... he married his sister first, divorced her then, finally found out about the connection ... and now? How is it going to end? Is this leading to the catastrophe of a greek tragedy? Or has Hollywood a say? I'm sweating.
Joined: May 25, 2003 Posts: 4752 Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posted: Thu May 25, 2006 12:16 am Post subject:
Brilliant and hilarious. It violates the Aristotelian unities, so I'm not sure if it can be a true Greek tragedy...definitely better than anything shown on Fox, tho!
I feel that there's a viable firefox spinoff somewhere in it.
(Long ago, in a dark castle high above the California shore-line)
Sun: No! It can't be done!
Mad Scientist #1: Quiet you fool!
S: It will destroy everything!
MS1: (Laughing) Throw open the sonic oscillator!
S: Not the sonic oscillator!
Mad Scientist #2: Compile, my beauty, compile!
S: What have you done? What have you done?! (runs away)
MD1: Yes!
MD2: It's ALIVE!!
(Present day, sorta)
NeoOffice: Things are going well, work is good, income is stable, I even have flowers growing in my igloo.
(da-da-dadummm)
N: You!
OpenOffice.org X11: Yes, Neo, how are you?
N: Actually, I am...
O: Whatever, I don't care. I am here to warn you.
N: Warn me? About what? You gonna burn down my house again?
O: (laughing) No. I found the code.
N: The what? (Pause) Oh no, you can't mean...
O: Oh, but I do.
(OpenOffice leaves, NeoLight enters)
NeoLight: Dad? What was that?
N: Your mother is going to unleash...
NL: Unleash what?
N: Listen, I have to tell you something. I had an older brother, NeoOffice/C. He was, well, unstable. He would be fine one minute, but then violent. He would crash and take out anything he could. Soon it became apparent that NeoOffice/C was a monster, one that would not be controlled by any API. So...
NL: Yes?
N: We locked him up, closed his fora and CVS, and didn't look back.
NL: (gulp) And mom?
N: I think she is going to let him go...
(Back at the lab)
(Enter Neo and NeoLight. Neo runs to the huge vault door, followed by NeoLight. The lab is empty, cobwebs everywhere. There is a muffled thumping sound from inside the vault)
N: Ok, I am going to open this. If something happens..
NL: No!
N: Listen son, if something happens you have to close this door. Ok? But I have to go in and make sure that he is still in there.
(NeoLight nods. Neo starts with the first of the locks. There are several hundred so this takes a bit)
N: Ok, I am going in to check.
O: (Laughing)
N: You can't let him out, OpenOffice, You know that! I know you hate me, but think of NeoLight.
O: You thought it was NeoOffice/C I was talking about? Tsk tsk. I'm releasing some code much older than that.
N: No...
NL: What is it dad?
(Screams from behind OpenOffice)
N: Nono, you can't mean... You know what that will do to the world! WHY???
O: (More laughter)
NL: What is it daddy?
O: Tell him, my love, tell him what lies deep within both of our codebase.
N: (staring at OpenOffice) Native code, NeoLight. She's invoked the native code from the... Oh I can't say it... from ancient times, from the 10.0 days...
(There is another roar from behind OpenOffice. The monster making the noise is very close)
N: Run, NeoLight
NL: but dad!
N: NOW! GO!
(NeoLight runs, leaving Neo to face OpenOffice)
N: That code is older than time, from the dark ages of the OS, you can't know what it will do.
O: I don't care! As long as it destroys you!
N: How can you say that? You loved me once!
O: (laughing)
N: You'll bring about the end of us both!
O: Then so be it!
(The door shatters, in walks a huge zombie looking creature. Useless limbs drag on the floor. It is wearing a business suit.)
N: Oh &*^*%!
Native OpenOffice: BUUDAABALBLBLASSKJDA
N: Uh, what?
O: Oh, he can't talk yet.
N: Oh. Ok.
(Native OpenOffice attacks, Neo jumps to the side. Native OpenOffice slams into the wall, cracking it. There is a roar from inside the CVS vault)
N: Oh double &^&%!
O: What?
(A Frankenstein-like creature emerges from the vault. It is still dragging the chains that held it to the wall behind it. NeoOffice/C lets out a loud roar.)
O: Um... you know, you two look alike.
N: Yeah, except for that twinge in his eye where he is going to destroy anything in his path...
NeoOffice/C: YoooSKJ aARRGSASS "It looks like you are writing a death threat, would you like help?" WAAAAAAHhhhYYYyyY..
O: huh?
N: Oh, yeah, he never seemed to work right, I think he said he is going to kill me.
O: Ah, ok.
N: Or maybe you. I dunno. He'll crash in a second anyway.
(Native OpenOffice turns to face NeoOffice/C. He stands perfectly still for a moment. NeoOffice/C flexes, displaying a perfect Greco-Roman body, before falling over.)
N: Uh oh, he's crashed!
(Neo grabs OpenOffice and pulls her out of the way and runs. Native OpenOffice and NeoOffice/C begin to fight. It is a megalithic fight, who will win? The Undead? Or the Reanimated?)
(Outside the lab, sounds of the battle inside can be heard, Neo and OpenOffice are watching the building, not really looking at each other)
O: Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.
N: Maybe.
O: Next time I will cast the compile spell with more skill. And then I WILL RULE THE WORLD!
Joined: May 25, 2003 Posts: 4752 Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posted: Thu May 25, 2006 8:52 am Post subject:
OMFG!! Dude, you must send me some of your drugs. This is hilarious stuff. I absolutely love the image of /C's in the deathmatch ("displays a perfect Greco-Roman body, before falling over")!!!!
And there's an igloo. 100 points for the igloo reference
ed
/wonders if /C would really have any kung fu
//kung fu still can't beat ninjas
///a lesbian?
:sigh: When I saw this thread was orange today, I was all excited thinking there *was* another installment....
Smokey
also anxiously awaiting the next installment, I suppose _________________ "[...] whether the duck drinks hot chocolate or coffee is irrelevant." -- ovvldc and sardisson in the NeoWiki
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