Joined: May 25, 2003 Posts: 4752 Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 7:23 pm Post subject:
Thanks...I was hoping you'd get a kick out of the delivery Mmm...alien sound effects...sounds tempting...
Thanks again for all your humor. I just hope one day we can do it justice and actually get through a single act before our drunk a**es can no longer figure out how to use a scrollbar
(Morning. Mist over the water. A lone samurai walks across the bridge)
(two problems are hidden under the bridge)
Problem1: (whispers) There he is.
Problem2: We'll get him this time.
(they jump onto the bridge, weilding their weapons)
P1: (attacking) How do you write in Hebrew?!
P2: (attacking too) Where is Calc?!
(The samurai calmly takes a bite of his orange while the two charge. He carefully places it on the railing of the bridge and wipes his hands dry)
Samurai : WIKI!
(the two problems are knocked back, their questions answered. The samurai picks up his orange and keeps on walking)
P2: He is better than we thought...
P1: Next time, Samurai! You hear me!!
(scene: inside a simple home. NeoOffice, NeoLight and NeoOffice Intel are all holding the front door shut. It is thumping loudly, there are cries outside for help)
NeoLight: Ya had to do it, didn't you?
NeoOffice: Do what?
NeoOffice Intel: (mockingly) Oh, look at me, I have a new release...
(thump thump)
N: I seem to recall you having one too, Intel boy.
NI: (even more mockingly) I seem to recall. Look you are the main one, remember?
N: Oh now you admit it.
NL: Look, dad...err.. dads,.. uh.. whatever you two are. Could we argue this later, we seem to have a ...
(suddenly there is silence)
NL: Problem... ?
(the three look at each other. Slowly Neo opens the door a full inch. Hundreds of faces stare back at him. The one in front waves. Neo slams the door shut.)
N: Nope, still there.
NI: Crap, I had a date.
N: A date?
NI: Yeah, remember? I am the wild, edgey one. Chicks dig me.
NL: Wait, I thought I was the chick magnent.
N: Nono, I am.
NI & NL: (Laughing)
N: Why is that funny?
NI: You do remember your last girlfriend, right?
NL: (with bad girlie french accent) Hey Jackass, I moved to Paris
NI & NL: (laughing)
N: Ha HA, very funny. Look, it isn't like she comes around any more.
OpenOffice.org: Let me in you American Swine!
N & NI & NL: What the?
(they open the door, OpenOffice pushes her way in. It takes all four to close the door again)
O: Your stupid problems are blocking the way to my stupid problems.
NL: Did that make sense?
N: So you can't handle your problems so you bring them to me? Did you notice the crowd of zombies outside?
(Neo opens the blind. There are people standing looking in the window. The one in front waves)
O: You were always better with the little people. I am French remember.
(NeoLight and NeoIntel nod their heads)
N: And you left me. You took the server, you took the car, you even took the cat.
O: I loved that cat.
N: And you don't even visit NeoLight, your own son.
O: Who?
(NeoLight just shakes his head)
NL: (Whispering to NI) She makes me cookies and sends them when Neo is out
(the door starts pounding again)
Crowd: X11 won't install!
C: Where are my fonts?
C: How do I connect to a JDBC database?
Z: Brains!
N & NI & NL & O: Next Door!
Z: thanks!
NI: Ok, not to be a pain, but I have a date...
N: I've got enough problems of my own.
O: We know, your bugzilla is all over the net. Worse than Myspace.
NI: Gasp!
NL: Gasp!
C: Gasp!
N: Now that was mean.
NI: Guys
O: Yes we know, oh Mr Popular has a date.
NI: Yeah, that too.
(OpenOffice and Neo turn to face the door. NeoLIght and NeoIntel are barely keeping it close. Already hands have started to reach in, grabbing for people.)
N: Quick! To the Attic!
NL: Will that work?
NI: Works in most zombie movies
(Neo grabs the door)
N: Go!
(NeoLight and OpenOffice run upstairs.)
C: The patch won't install!
C: Port this to Windows!
NI: So. Any Ideas?
N: None, you?
NI: I was thinking about going to the attic and seducing your ex.
N: Ok, any good ideas?
NI: Nope.
(the two run from the door, the crowd bursting inside. The two run upstairs and make their way to the attic. They get up and pull up the ladder as the crowd fills the house.)
O: Is this a box of code you were hiding from me?
N: Not now. Ok?
NI: Wait, listen.
(below there are muffled cries, the over all sound of the crowd gets softer, softer, then is gone.)
Z: Brains!
S: House to the left, in the attic
Z: Thanks!
(The four in the attic all look at each other.)
NI: You look, this your house
N: Thanks buddy.
(Neo opens the door and peers down. The house is empty. He opens the door and they make their way down. In the living room, sitting lotus style is the samurai)
N: Uh, hi.
S: It would seem you need help.
NL: Who are you?
S: Who I am is not important, it is what I know that is...
NI: Talking like a fortune cookie?
O: You are a jackass. I think i love you.
(NeoIntel takes OpenOffice in his arms, a wind machine kicks on)
NL: Um. Ew?
S: No! Something more important. (kicks down wind machine, knocks OpenOffice and NeoIntel apart) I will teach you the ways of the wiki.
N & NL & NI: OOO.
O: Eh, it is only nice once, then you think that your... wait, what did you say?
S: Wiki is the art you will need, to keep this from happening.
All: ooo!
(The Samurai spends days helping them learn the ways of the wiki.)
O: I plan to kill you with this move
N: Yeah yeah.
(much later. The four are kneeling in front of the Samurai)
S: you are ready. Go, and take what you know with you.
(The samurai stands and leaves)
NL: Who was that?
JakeOSX: (cough) Smokey (cough)
N: Who asked you?
J: uh... didn't he.. never mind.
N: Hey, I am the hero, ok? You better remember that for next time.
In line with the new culture of Kill Bill/Buffy/Charmed/Flying Daggers/etc. I fully expect to see in the next episode of this story a fight between Samurai Wiki and The Wiccan. Bring it on! (Then they climb on the back of the Wise Leopard, jump into the Time Machine, and go back and rescue WordPerfect for DOS... I love a happy ending)
- padmavyuha
PS am I the only person who noticed that in WordStar (remember HIM?) the keystroke designated 'Clear Entry' was alt-K-Y ??
NI: says last post was February 10, 2007. That can't be right.
N: Why not?
NI: That was like (starts counting on his fingers. stops, recounts) Like a year or something ago. Seems like something should have happened since then. Something big.
NL: Like Leopard? Or iPhone? or a bit fat “I told you so†from all the people who said iTunes would rent movies?
NI: I meant with us, those things aren't important.
N: Things have been quiet. That stuff happens. Besides, I've been busy.
NI: With what?
N: Planning my retirement.
NI: !
NL: !
OO.o: !
N: Where did you come from?
OO.o: Darling, I always listen when you talk.
NI: Now there is a big, fat...
OO.o: *SMACK*
NI: (ouch!) uh, bit of truth, yeah, that's it...
NL: What are you talking about? Retire? You are at your prime!
N: (looking at NI) I guess we do really look that much alike, don't we?
NI: Well, except for the red hand print on my face.
OO.o: It looks good. Now, quiet with the interruptions.
N: It's, just... well the day will be here soon... you know, when...
NL: Is this the sex talk?
NI: I hope so.
OO.o: Still can't figure it out?
NI: (dashing smile)
OO.o: Only in your unstable branch...
NL: QUIET! What do you mean???
N: I'm the PPC version, remember? the G4, G5. I am the past. That guy (points to NI, who is still making dashing faces at OO.o) he's the future.
NI: Huh?
NL: Seriously, do you think that is a good idea?
NI: Hey, pipsqueak, you are just bitter because you were banished from the front page of the wiki. And replaced with that 70's guy.
RO: Dude.
(NI, NL, OO.o all shake their heads)
OO.o: He is the American little brother I never wanted.
RO: Dude?
NL: Here (hands RetroOffice an iPod filled with the Grateful Dead)
RO: Dude!
N: I'm just saying the day will come eventually that I will ride off into the sunset... So i've been planning it.
OO.o: Looking at property in Southern France?
N: Not exactly.
(NeoOffice throws down a smoke pellet, gets engulfed in smoke. Everyone else coughs.)
RO: (still plugged into iPod, hand outstretched to NeoOffice) Dude?!
(The smoke blows away, and there is NeoOffice, in black biker leathers.)
N: I'm getting a Harley.
OO.o: (Blink)
NI: (Blink)
NL: (Blink)
NI: Wait, I am the edgy one who rides the bike, you are the responsible one who fights evil but never scores with the hot bad guy chick. Didn't you read the script?
N: Right. that is the way it was. Now, its gonna be...
NI: (interrupts) No, that is the way it IS!
N: *SMACK*
NI: (OUCH!)
OO.o: At least you have a set now.
N: Don't interrupt. I am the badass now, the renegade, the one who will ride off into the sunset, on a desert road, yeah, that's it, and be the stuff of legend. I'll even log into anonymous FTP servers. Maybe even start using Bittorrent.
NL: Whoa.
N: And you (points to NeoOffice Intel) will be the responsible one, the one who stays here and mops the floor and updates code. You'll drive a mini-van and be proud of your forum posts.
NI: First off, can you really see me in a mini-van? Second, I'm still thinking this plan isn't going to work. I mean, you are NEOOFFICE, I am your clone, remember?? It didn't work for Spiderman, how is it going to work for you?
NPPC: It will be easier that you can imagine.
NI: WAIT! you can't do it now! JAKE that “I†better not go anywhere.
Jake: Don't you guys usually yell at me when I get involved?
NL: Apparently not in this case.
NI: (Grabs Jake) Look, this has gotta stop, take that cursor up there and delete PPC.
Jake: *SMACK*
NI: OW!
Jake: Don't make me get the Apache warriors.
NL: Long distance Apache warriors?
Jake: Naturally.
RO: DUDE! (High fives Jake)
(Jake goes back to the place he has been hiding in instead of making trinity posts)
NPPC: (shakes head)
NI: IT IS STILL THERE!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME! I AM TOO YOUNG TO BE RESPONSIBLE!
RO: Dude. Seriously.
N: Relax, ok? Sheesh. It will be a while. A long while.
NI: Wheew.
NPPC: Unless it isn't.
NI: ARG!! (storms off)
OO.o: You should be nicer to yourself.
N: He'll be fine. Got a good codebase. (Winks at OO.o)
NL: I'm out! (runs off, dragging RO with him)
RO: (waves) du-u-u-u-u-de!
OO.o: You know I'd look pretty good in Harley Leathers.
N: Really? hmm. Well there will be two seats on my Harley.
NeoOffice Intel: (shouting at the sky) Make a folder
NeoOffice Mobile: I can't do that Dave.
NI: (again, upwards) Look, for the last time, my name is not Dave.
NM: I am sorry, Dave.
NI: (again upwards) Look, just make a folder, ok? I have to share with someone running Windows.
NL: WHAT?
N: Hey, there are children present.
(NeoOffice covers NeoLight's ears)
N: What are you doing anyways?
NI: (stops and looks at N) Haven't you heard of this new cloud computing thing we've got going? You can save your files on the 'cloud' (makes quotes with his fingers) and then others can get to them, EVEN IF THEY DON'T HAVE NEOOFFICE
N: stop yelling?! Ok!
NI: Not yet. (shouting at the sky) MAKE A FOLDER!
NM: I can't do that Dave.
NI: ARG!
NL: You are doing it wrong.
N: Ya think?
NI: Hey, that's big talk for a man who is threatening to get leather chaps and ride off into the sunset.
N: Just because my ass looks...
NL: AH! Children present!
(The two stare at each other)
NL: NeoOffice Mobile, login.
NM: User, NeoLight confirmed. Would you like to play a game?
NL: N \n mkdir jackass
NM: Folder 'jackass' made
NL: chown jackass NeoOffice Intel
NM: I can't do that Dave.
NL: oops. SU chown jackass NeoOffice Intel
NM: Folder owned by NeoOffice Intel
NL: See? Wasn't that easy?
NI: What in the hell did you just say? Was that English? Were those words?
NL: That was Unix.
NI: A what?! Oh you poor kid, did he let them do that to you?
N: Unix UNIX it is an operating system?
NI: *blink, blink*
N: Nevermind.
NI: Hey NeoOffice Mobile, open folder Jackass
NM: Folder opened
NI: Hey it worked!
(N and NL start to walk off, NI continues to yell up at the sky)
NL: Should we tell him that the computer isn't actually in the clouds?
N: And ruin his perception of reality? Never. Besides, I want to see him save files in the rain first.
[Edited by Samwise: stair -> stare (at each other)]
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Mmm...alien sound effects...sounds tempting...
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